Monday, February 21, 2005

DULLEST BLOG IN THE WORLD

Just when you thought this was the dullest blog in the world, along comes a blog to give us a run for our money. You can find what's billed as the world's dullest blog at:

http://www.wibsite.com/wiblog/dull/

Then you can decide which is duller, this one or that.

I think this one's duller. But maybe that's only because I've been feeling like a big fat idiot lately.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

MY MOM SAYS GOD HAS A PENIS


HE'S GOT A CLAPPER, TOO
Originally uploaded by jonfobes.
You never know what you’re going to learn from a simple conversation.

I called my mother today, just to see how she was doing this Sunday afternoon, and among other news, she told me that when she no longer needs it, she’s going to give her car to my niece. I told her that was a fine idea but that I hoped she’d get a lot more use out of it, and perhaps she might even need another car in the years to come.

“Well, I just don’t know how long He’ll let me stay,” she said.

I didn’t respond.

“You know, God,” she said.

“I thought God was a She,” I told her.

“God’s a He!” she cried.

“Mom, really! God’s a He? Do you think God has a penis?”

“God is the father of Jesus,” she said. “Of course, He has a penis!”

I burst out laughing and, to her credit, so did she! And she laughed even harder when I said I was going to put this on a Web site. You’ve got to appreciate a believer who still retains a sense of humor.

Being a gentlemen I did not ask, “Is it a big one?” Or more to the point (pun intended), “Is it circumcised?”

But I called her back for one follow-up question:

“I was just writing up our conversation for the Web site, and I have an important question: Does God poop?”

Slight pause … “Of, course!”

More laughter from both parties. She laughed so hard she started coughing.

“I am glad you gave such a decisive answer!” I said.

“Well … He’s a person, you know!” More laughter.

“OK — I just wanted to check. Thanks!”

I guess I am not the only amateur theologian in the Fobes family, and perhaps this shows why I value humor more than religion.

AFTERTHOUGHT: Someone should write a book entitled, “God’s Penis and other Theological Curiosities.” For example:

• Noah’s Ark sank; we’re not really here.

• There were misspellings and grammar errors in the stone tablets Moses brought down from Sinai. And some coffee stains.

• For many years Joseph and Jesus made a good income as carpenters building crosses for the Romans.

• Jesus and Mary Magdalene did not have any children, but they co-owned a Jack Russell terrier named “Little Shirley Beans.”

• Lazarus owned the first department store.

• Management took half the tip Jesus left for the last supper.

• The Knights Templar got their power through blackmail, and were ultimately wiped out, for revealing that God uses the bathroom.

• The Holy Grail was really the cup Jesus used as catcher for the Jerusalem Mud Hens.

Friday, February 11, 2005

NEWSTRODUMBASS PREDICTS


BARON RENFREW
Originally uploaded by jonfobes.
Newstrodumbass predicts this story will appear in newspapers worldwide one year from today:

“Prince to divorce Porker-Bowels”

Less than a year after their marriage, Prince Charles has announced that he and Cumilla Porker-Bowels are divorcing.

“The affair lasted 34 years,” the Prince said, “but the marriage is over already — alas.” Charles, also known as “Knight of the Thistle,” first cited irreconcilable differences, but sources close to the royal family reported that the torrid affair ended with the wedding vows, which is to say, the couple has never had intimate relations as man and wife. And Charles revealed somberly, “I did not have sex with that woman — Cumilla Porker-Bowels, Her Royal Highness, Duchess of Cornhole … I mean Cornwall!

Which only shows that sex and marriage are incompatible even for blue-blooded horse lovers with long names and lots of titles.

(See related item below)


LOVE IS GRAND ... BUT THE NAMES ARE CONFUSING


CUMILLA
Originally uploaded by jonfobes.
The news of the week has led to a great deal of confusion for me as my dyslexia and hearing problems are acting up again this winter.

As I understand it, Prince Charles is going to marry Cumilla Porker-Bowels. After the marriage she will be known as “Her Royal Highness, Duchess of Cornhole,” as befitting her status as Charles’ lover for 34 years. While she will never be “Queen,” she will eventually have the title of “Princess Consort” and be referred to as “Your Assholiness” on official occasions.

One newspaper reported, “Charles, 56, announced the news with all the stiff formality of the House of Windsor. He couldn't even call his lover by her first name.” So maybe I’m not the only one who’s confused.

I wonder if he even remembers his own names and titles. He is: Prince Charles Philip Arthur George Windsor, aka Duke of Cornwall, Duke of Rothesay, Earl of Carrick, Baron Renfrew, Lord of the Isles, Prince and Great Steward of Scotland, Prince of Wales and Earl of Chester; Knight of the Garter (we might have guessed) and Knight of the Thistle (hey now!). In the British military, he holds the rank of Lieutenant-General in the Army, Air Marshal in the Royal Air Force and Vice-Admiral in the Royal Navy (vice, I get it).

He also has the unofficial title, “Prince Tampon,” given to him by Mrs. Porker-Bowels after he told her in 1991, "I want to be reincarnated as your tampon." Thanks for that image, Charles; maybe they can incorporate it into the wedding-cake design.

(With inspiration and assistance from Tim Graham ... who knows his bowels!)